can someone actually change?

that seems to be the question in my head
I mean if someone is a cheater (which i am not) is one always a cheater?
if someone is a liar (which i am) are they always a liar?
if Karen is a douche bag will she always be a douche bag? (dane cook anyone?)
I have learned the incredible power of God
if he can take a caterpillar (a worm) and turn it into a butterfly what can't he do with us?
I used to be an asshole
wait.....no....let me start over
I used ot be a HUGE selfish asshole
but i have learned some things
life isn't about me
"what?" you say?
yes life is not about me or you for that matter
it's about God and serving God and others
I have found once you put you in the bakground and focus on him everything else falls into place and makes sense
but when you focus on yourslef and your life everything falls apart and makes no sense
i used to be all about sex and sexual things and porn and naked ladies and such (you get the point)
and it has cost me everything
life isn't about stupid crap
now don't get me wrong God did give sex to us and it is an amazing thing
but i know why it's not for people unmarried
and it's as simple as we aren't ready
sure it's good just as all sex is but my penis and eyes...etc. are meant for one woman only
and when taken out of contrast it F's things up
I meant to love others and loving others means forgetig about ourselves
how many times have you done something once for someone and thought inside "i wonder if i get anything out of this"
that is not love
love is doing something for others and not caring if you get one thing ever out of it
i have never made more of a fool of myself than to say i love someone and never have actions to follow that up
I can only make so many checks with my mouth that my ass can't cash
then things start to come down
I finally know what it means to love someone
right when i lose them
and i finally know what it's like to feel shame and hurt from sin that i thought i could get away with
I am not happy with my past
sure it feels greta to make out with...etc with some girl/guy you just met
BUT
thats just a quick fix and just like if you were fixing a leak in your roof very cheaply that leak will come back and sometimes worse
God has plans for us plans of Love, happiness, and such but it takes persevernce, patience, and faith
and a lot of times it takes more than we are willing to give
but there is life on the other side and what we keep grabbing will soon die
I never understood the idea of impulse buying and such but now i do
I have been doing that with my body, heart and mind for a long time and i am tired
I am finally going to hold out for the thing that is better
I am finally letting go of my life and letting the one that knows the way take control
i am finally going to learn true love, and happiness
and although i am scared as crap
i can truly say "YES someone can change who they are" i am one who has and is doing so
matthew

apology

I would like to post an official apology to all parties that i cussed at and hurt through my last email. It was immature and not very God -like of me and I am sorry. It's easy when things are crumbling around you to add fuel to the fire by being negative about everything around you. But the truth is eventhough i am hurt (and more so than i have ever been) i still care about everyone that hurt me. I just feel as though i put 110% into every friendship and relationship and i always feel like everyone else takes that for granted and leaves me. And i just felt alone and i wanted to lashout. But what i really should focus on are the good things in my life like my family, my friends i do have that care about me, I have a job, a working car, a home, a talent, i am slowly getting out of debt, I am going to start leading worship at northpoint, and things are slowly happening in music. So yeah i was wrong. This weekend will be wicked crazy with a show, 2 b-day parties and leading worship. I hope i survive. I recorded some vocals tonight with my friends Rookie Of The Year and that was fun and cool. Anita's in town and i finnally met her. And yeah i guess thats it. I am tired so i am off to bed but please keep me in your prayers and i hope to surround myself with good friends and a loving wife sometime soon. (heres some lyrics that have been perfect lately)
matthew

"Dirty Girl - The Eels
I like a girl with a dirty mouth
Someone that I can believe
We had a window, not open too long
But that time is good and gone

And if I ever see her again
Just walking by with some new guy
I know that we will need to pretend
And hope our eyes keep telling lies

Sit on the back porch and wonder ‘bout her
What is she doing right now?
Making somebody a happier man
Dying her hair back to brown

Once in a while your life gets so good
Worth all the trouble of the past
That was the case but I think I always knew
Good things don’t ever last

And if I ever see her again
Just walking by with some new guy
I know that we will need to pretend
And hope our eyes keep telling lies

I like a girl with a dirty mouth
Know that I can trust her
We had our time but it didn’t last too long
And that time is good and gone
That time is good and gone

happiness....

OK 1st off i want to say that i am a firm believer in "life is what you make it" and " Happiness is a choice" and i can't stand people who are unhappy where they are but don't do anything about it
but what i don't subscribe to is this new "happiness" i keep hearing and seeing.
yes we all have crappy things happen in life
and i would much rather see someone happy than upset (i'd much rather be happy than upset too)
You see, it's ok to make the best of what you have
but it's not ok to avoid life, people, problems...etc. in order to be happy
thats not what God would want us to do nor is it good for us.
for instance i have credit card debt. And it's natural to be upset about it and if i want to be happy the right thing is for me to pay the debt and be happy that i am making a dent in it and maybe even focus more on other aspects of my life that are good and such... you know be happy with where i am....what would be wrong is to avoid the debt and act like my life is great.
Happiness can't be had by avoiding what you have that is a lie
struggles are given to us for a reason
they are to be shaping tools for our mind, heart, soul, morals, maturity...etc.
God wouldn't give them to us if he didn't want us to go through them
It just breaks my heart when i see someone doing something and saying they're happy when i know that they are just avoiding the bad or hard things. and it breaks my heart even more when someone is trying to convince me they are happy and i can see they are only really trying to convince themselves.
I am going through one of (if not the) hardest times in my life
but i would much rather fight through this darkness to find true happiness
than to not think about and avoid my problems...ending only in fake happiness that eventually crumbles and all the crap in my life come falling back on me
I'll say again if you are unhappy then get in the word and on your knees, and then start fixing the problems (or allow God to)
if you need a friend i am here and i will definitly pray for you
but whatever you do don't avoid the inevitable
life happens
but life is something we can grow and learn from
how would we know true happiness without ever knowing true despare
ok i am getting off my soap box...
thank you for your time
matthew

where can you go from here? How can someones words just rip right through you and hurt os much i think that words make deeper wounds than a knife might it's halloween i am Burt Reynolds and I am drinking alone I want to talk to someone i want to feel loved and excepted cause i keep getting blows left and right to my self worth it takes alot for me to be your friend it takes alot for me to open up to be honest and everytime I have someone rip my heart out step on it and put it back am i really a bad person? I feel as though I show God's love and light but do i really? I want to feel excepted feel like i am good enough like i am i believe God feels that way and i want to believe i feel that way but no one else is letting me know that i can't stand when you write or call someone (esspecially when you pour your heart out) and they never write or call back i am crumbling i have everyday been drawing myself closer to God I have gone a month (on my own) without looking at porn i read my bible everyday i am doing a study on Finances and on how to be a Godly man i pray constantly and I love and are there for everyone i know but yet I am percieved to be un-Godly and a hypocrite un worthy of being with someone unfit to write or call and such With every good thing that happens in my life i have 5 bad things i mean i have a home now, a car, and an ipod BUT i have no friends, no money, no woman, everyone seems to either hate me or blow smoke up my ass and i hate my life where can i go? what can i do? I HATE THIS UGH i was also told tonight that "i love being sad" i would like to go on record saying "no, i do not like being sad" i just have bad luck and this time it's happened all at once ok well now i know i can't sleep and the people i trust and wanna call are all sleeping and most have moved on with their lives I guess this will all make for good songs ha i guess i am done matthew 11:05 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Sunday, October 30, 2005 off the top of my head i have a mustace i went to a party tonight and i must have been the only straight guy and i wasn't uncomfortable cause of them but cause of something else life is crazy how you meet people and it seems such  short time but they end up meaning so much more to you.  i have a good life i know this but for some reason i hate it i am so alone i am so f-ed up i want so much more i want to be happy i want to be in love i want that house i want those kids i think i will actually end up alone where is my heart and when can i have it back? where am i? when will i be something God can look at and be happy with? when can i be something i look at and be happy with? and when can i be something someone else looks at an can be happy with? i know i am not perfect but i want nothing more than to have a love and for them to love me for the piece of shit i am will that ever happen? i am tired i am week i am gone... matthew

things i live, feel, and learn

the biggest thing i have learned is:
I finally know what life is all about...
wait for it....
others!
we are supposed to spend our whole lifes for other people.
And NEVER for ourselves
when growing up and being Young we should care about God and what he wants, then our family and finnally our friends
and then when we get in a relationship or get married we are to care about God and what he wants, our wife/husband, children, family, and then finnally friends. NEVER once thinking of ourselves.
For if we put all things in fron of us God, Spouse, children, family, and friends will then take care of us
almost like that movie pay it forward
but thats exactly it
it's even biblical (though i don't have any verses now off my head)
anywho thats all the knoledge i have right now

other than that I am back from Vegas
had a great time
ate, drank, danced, gambled, went to Coyote Ugly, Tournament of Kings, Pussycat Dolls Lounge, Rain (Party at the Palms) and a wedding
it was a great time and I am glad Karen invited me
Karen you are a great person
pictures to come soon

other than that
i moved
got my car back
on my way to get financially free
working a ton
and mostly lonely and bored
so call or email me
anywho
well I am off to work
have a good one
matthew